Hamlet, a Danish person

Naomi, a smart climate protester

Ceridwen, a Welsh goddess

Sarayu, a Welsh spirit

Alphonse, a French holy fool and magician

Joshua, son of Mr G

Kermit, a corporate baddie

 

various ambassadors, planetary grave diggers, diplomats, presidents, protesters, clowns, cops, security guards, corporate branding gurus and lobbyists

 

Act 1, Scene 42

 

Bella Center, a fortress near Elsinore, Denmark

 

Enter HAMLET

Ham. To deal, or not to deal: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to cut emissions

Or suffer the slings and arrows of climate protesters

Or to take bribes from a sea of corporate lobbyists

Or, by opposing, end them?

To lie, to creep: and, if we creep, to say we end

The thousand natural shocks and side effects of climate change

Must give us climate credits to carry on emissions

As we carried on before

To sleep; perchance to dream: ay, there's a plan

For in that sleep, what storms will come

Long after we have shuffled off this mortal coil

Don't give a thought

Of calamity

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

And thus we will avoid a resolution

And lose the thought of action

Sar. Hi there!

Cer. Hi!

Jos. Hi!

Sar. You look awful!

Jos. It's nothing. Just a few cops! Nothing is good or bad: only thinking makes it so.

Alph. If they do a deal here today, it will be nothing more than a corporate rebranding.

Enter KERMIT

Ker. A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm. As long as it pays the bills.

Cer. Your worm is your only emperor for diet: we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service; two dishes, but to one table: that’s the end. We only have one planet!

Naom. We must stick to the issues. The people are being sold down the river by corporate greed.

Ker. So what? The economy is fucked, and I need a new Porsche!

Cer. These modern times are most perplexing. Methinks a change of heart and more respect for Mother Earth are what we need.

Ker. Fuck your mother, motherfucker!

Ham. What a piece of work is a man!

Cer. What is the reason that you use me thus? The cat will mew and dog will have his day. The soldier's music and the rites of war speak loudly for him.

Naom. We must reject false solutions. The real solutions are not on the Bella Center agenda.

Cer. They seem to pretend that we are all one big happy family.

Hamlet and Kermit stab each other to death.

Jos. Well now we are!

Cer. Time for a sharp exit strategy. So much poverty and pollution, yet such an embarrassment of riches.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not letting you go to what sounds like a madhouse on your own.”

“You need to stay here to mind the Otherworld in my absence, and who is going to give Pendragon his cookies?”

“Blodwyn from Ye Olde Oake can do it.” said Myrddin.

“She might forget, and Pendragon will burn the pub down, thinking it’s already time for the solstice bonfire!”

Myrddin had taken a bath in the copper tub. He was about to offer Sarayu a comb and a pair of scissors, and ask her to cut his hair.

“No, Myrddin, and that’s my final word. What if some of this modern energy spills over into the Otherworld? Anything could happen. You must guard the gates while we are away.”

With that she turned to Alphonse and asked, “How do we get into this COP15 thingy?”

“With your quaint old Breton French accent, I can pass you off as a member of the French delegation. You will just have to get used to calling me Auguste. Auguste Saint-Germain is my modern identity, He is a French special envoy.”

“And Sarayu?”

“She is my research assistant.”

In spite of Auguste Saint-Germain’s best efforts, they could not get into the Bella center in Copenhagen. The Friends of the Earth chair was just being thrown out as they arrived. Protesters were walking out to join demonstrators on the streets. Among them was an old friend of Ceridwen’s, Joshua.

“What on earth are yo doing here, Joshua?”

“Hi Mary! Where else should I be? It’s dad’s creation going up in smoke and hot air.”

A few hours later Joshua sent Sarayu a message.

‘Just been arrested. We are being forced to sit on the ground in freezing cold, with our hands tied behind our backs. Cops hit my head with sticks. Just like the good old days in Jerusalem!’

“What!” said Ceridwen, hardly believing her ears. “They just busted Jesus. This world is crazy. How can we get him out?”

“This whole conference is a farce.” said Alphonse. “The bankers have kidnapped the agenda, just as I feared at the Bilderberg Hotel.”

Ceridwen looked around her at the protesters on the street, the security guards and police, and all the chaos and shouting. The world had changed quite a bit since 1824. Sarayu had been explaining to her all about digital technology, relativity, the Holocaust, Hiroshima, climate change, Wall Street and many of the other facets of the modern world. She had a lot of catching up to do, but first she needed to make sure that Joshua was OK. Sarayu turned towards her.

“Alphonse! Ceridwen has disappeared.”

“What!”

Ceridwen walked through the police kettle to where they were holding Joshua. Challenged by one cop, she stared deeply into his eyes. The cop staggered back, as if a fist had slammed his chest. Three of his colleagues fell flat on the ground as she walked straight up to Joshua. His face was covered in blood. He was freezing.

Ceridwen picked him up, and ripped his hands free. As she tried to get through the police cordon, a cop tried to hit Joshua to the ground. She blocked his baton, slapped his face and disappeared, along with Joshua. The cop looked at an empty space where a few seconds before a woman was standing. Ceridwen knew how to kick arse. She had been doing it since the dawn of time. When you have been burned at the stake, a few cops don’t scare you. She put her coat around Joshua.

“Enough demonstrating for you today.” she said.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes. The little red dragon did not go away.

She rubbed her eyes again. The little red dragon was still there, and had a rather dopey grin on its face. It was looking straight at her, like a dog begging for a bone.

She got up from the armchair and went over to the stove. The little red dragon followed her.

Just as she thought that thought, her eyes caught sight of a green, red and white box that said “Dragon Cookies.”

She took the box and gave the little red dragon some of the cookies. It loved them and begged for more.

At that moment the door opened and in came Alphonse, together with Ceridwen and a strange old man with a long white beard.

“I see you have made acquaintance with Pendragon.” said Ceridwen.

“We were down the pub, Cherie.” said Alphonse.

“Myrddin Wyllt at your service.” said Old Wilt.

“The Myrddin Wyllt?” asked Sarayu.

“You have heard of me?” Old Wilt was flattered to know his fame had indeed spread beyond the Otherworld.

“Of course. You are Merlin, or half of him at least.”

“There is another half of me somewhere?”

“Yes. He is called Emrys.”

Old Wilt was not quite sure how he felt about being just a half of Merlin. Alphonse had been telling him about time travel in the pub. They seemed an odd lot, these time travelers, he thought. Alphonse had tried to explain the grandfather paradox to him.

“You had better not kill your grandfather, young lady.” he said to Sarayu.

“Otherwise you will not be here, and Alphonse will have to go and search for you.”

Sarayu thought that maybe the potion would wear off soon and she would find herself in Cardiff, listening to her mother’s old Beatles collection.

Old Wilt poured himself another mug of Ceridwen’s mead, and sat by the fire, farted, burped, and lit his pipe.

“I come from Cardiff and love my Gran, and would never dream of killing her.” said Sarayu.

“Cardiff?” Old Wilt looked puzzled.

“It’s west of Caerleon, where the Romans built a fort.” said Ceridwen.

“You’re not one of those Romans?” asked Myrddin. “One of those Isca Augusta people? They used to have good wine, I remember.”

“No, I’m Welsh.”

“Don’t worry, dear. Old Myrddin always babbles when he’s on the mead.” said Ceridwen.

“Babble my arse!” mumbled Mryddin.

“You have a nice dragon.” said Sarayu.

“It’s her’s.” said Myrddin. “It’s alright as long as it gets enough of those cookies.”

Ceridwen was beginning to think that this conversation would go on for ages. She went over to one of the bookshelves and pulled out an old leather bound folio.

“Alphonse, do you have a moment?”

They sat down at the kitchen table, and she opened the folio, and passed it to him.

“Hamlet. First edition.” she said. Alphonse was impressed. He had in his hand the 1623 Shakespeare First Folio. The Q2 of 1604/5 was published earlier, but still a First Folio in a private collection was quite something. She went over to the bookshelf again and took a wooden chest from the top shelf, and put it on the table. Opening the chest, she took out an ancient codex that was wrapped in a cloth made of hemp.

“Here it is.” she said. “The Newton Codex.”

Alphonse opened the codex. “Theatrum Chemicum”, said the title page.

“Newton’s notes are at the back.” said Ceridwen.

His Latin was a bit rusty, but Alphonse recognized the handwriting straight away. It was Newton’s. In the back of the codex were several pages written by Newton on the nature of the philospher’s stone.

“Would you like a Welsh whisky?”

“Make it a large one, please.”

As Alphonse sipped his whisky and read the Newton Codex, Ceridwen kept a watchful eye on Pendragon, Myrddin and Sarayu. Never mind the stone, she thought, I am curious to see what effect my Elixir had on Sarayu.

Sarayu was making friends with the little red dragon. Old Wilt had fallen asleep by the fire. In less than a week it would be Solstice Eve. Ceridwen knew that Alphonse and Sarayu had to return to their own world soon. She hoped she could find a way to bring them back in time for the solstice. A lot would depend on it. Sarayu was special, as was her destiny. Ceridwen had been in the Otherworld far too long. It was time to visit Newton’s descendants.

“Really.”

“The Giant will climb on the Dragon, throw off all his clothes, and then ride upon it naked. The Dragon will rear the Giant up in the air and lash his naked body with its erected tail, but the Giant will recover his strength and cut the Dragons throat with his sword.”

“Now, now, Myrddin. You don´t want to be frightening our guests.”

“Luxury shall overspread the land, and fornication shall not cease to debauch mankind. Famine shall then return, and the inhabitants shall grieve for the destruction of their cities. In those days the oaks of the forests shall burn, and acorns grow upon lime trees! The Severn sea shall discharge itself through seven mouths, and the river Usk burn for seven months! Fishes shall die in the heat thereof, and from them serpents will be born.”

“That sounds a bit like 2009.” said Alphonse.

The man who was telling him his prophecies was Myrddin Wyllt. Dressed in a rough brown woollen tunic, he had long white hair and an even longer white beard. His eyes looked rather wild and his cheeks were rosy as apples. He was drinking mead from a pewter mug and puffing on a long pipe filled with hemp and wild tobacco. Myrddin had lived in the woods of the Otherworld for as long as anyone could remember. In Latin he was known as Merlinus Caledonensis, although not many people spoke Latin anymore, so most people called him Old Wilt. This would sometimes irritate him, and he would remind them that he was famous the world over, and that he had been a counsellor to many a king and fine noble. When he was not running and dancing naked in the woods, he would hang out in Ye Olde Oake, the local pub, and drink copious amounts of mead and ale. He would sit by the open fireplace and burp and fart a lot, and tell people endless tales of Camelot and King Arthur, or bore them with his prophecies. Old Wilt was a character with the Welsh gift of the gab. In spite of his vulgar ways he was loved by everyone, but also feared by everyone, as he was known to be a powerful magician. It was said that he could raise storms and make the cows infertile. The children loved him as he would always play the fool at their birthday parties, and let off lots of fireworks on the eve of the winter solstice. Ceridwen was the only one he would listen to. She even got him to take a bath once in a while. He had a twin sister Gwenddydd, who was thought by many to be a witch. A right pair of witches and wizards they would say.

Ceridwen offered Alphonse a mug of meddyglyn, her special brew of strong healing great mead, that had been aged for seven years. It was very sweet and had a hint of oranges and rose hips. Sarayu was sleeping soundly in the armchair by the fire. Alphonse had noticed that she was about the size of a young girl. Ceridwen’s potion seemed to be very powerful.

“Men will become drunk with the wine which is offered to them; they will turn their backs on Heaven and fix their eyes on the Earth.”

“You’re a fine one to be saying that.” said Ceridwen.

“Do you know I had to change the spelling of my name because in French it sounded like merde!”

“Myrddin! Enough now, really.”

Ceridwen was smiling as she spoke, and Alphonse thought Old Merde was quite a character. He was a real fool, who probably hid his magic powers under the cloak of a buffoon and prankster. While he was a boy in 16th century Provence, Alphonse remembered hearing the tales of the great wizard Merlin from the Islands of Britain, who was as famous a prophet as Nostradamus. The Otherworld seemed a mysterious place. All it needed now was for a dragon to turn up. As Alphonse was thinking just that, there was another knock on the door. In walked a small red dragon with a curly pointed tail.

“Hello Pendragon. Would you like a bowl of mead?”

The dragon nodded its head

“Don´t worry. He won´t bite, and the mead will send him off to sleep.”

In a few moments Pendragon was sleeping at Sarayu´s feet, by the fire. The mead was making Alphonse rather sleepy too.

“How about a walk?” suggested Old Wilt.

“I’ll get you another one down the pub if you like.”

So Alphonse set off with Myrddin and Ceridwen for Ye Olde Oake, leaving Sarayu to sleep off her potion in the company of the dragon.

The pub was about a ten minute walk away, and the sky was clear with a full moon. It was a small old half timbered coaching inn, with the sign of an oak leaf and three acorns hanging above the entrance. Inside, the bar was rather packed but there were a couple of empty seats by the fire. Old Wilt got a round of mead, and some children came over, wanting to know about his plans for fireworks on solstice eve, which was just a week away.

In reply, Wilt pulled a rocket from out of his pocket and, going outside with the children following right behind him, he lit the end. It shot up into the sky and exploded into a shower of stars. The children squealed with delight, as a little

bit of the solstice came a week early.

Alphonse thought that he could stay here forever. As if she could read his thoughts, Ceridwen said,

“You can always come back.”

“I would love to.”

They toasted each others health.

“When we return to Sarayu there is something I would like to show you. Have you ever heard of the Newton Codex?”

“Newton’s key to the Bible?”

“No. This codex is an ancient alchemical text with notes by Newton in the margin. He gave it to me shortly before he died.”

Ceridwen took three drops of the potion and passed them to Sarayu on a silver spoon.

“Would you like to try some of the ancient Elixir?”

Sarayu took the silver spoon and drank the three drops of the potion. Her head began to spin and she saw all the different colors of the rainbow.

She could hear a Bach cello suite playing in the background. Ceridwen led her to a large armchair and she fell into a deep sleep.

“By understanding the observer paradox of quantum mechanics.”

“The same principles that govern Riglet’s processors? Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle?”

“Exactly. We could go back and have another coffee with Einstein, at the same time and place. As observers we would perhaps notice a change in the unfolding of events.”

“Would it not make more sense to persuade him not to write his famous letter to President Roosevelt?”

“That really would change history. We would need to go back to 1939 to do that.”

“Not before?”

“Too risky. Too many variables involved. Maybe we should first check out whether God plays dice?”

“So we go back to the Odeon cafe in 1912. Einstein was working on the value of pi for a spinning elf. His marriage was on the rocks. He had already published his famous

E=mc² equation and the special theory of relativity. The world had been changed forever.”

“We should be careful not to say too much.”

After a short trip through the rabbit hole they were back in 1912 Zurich. Sarayu bought a newspaper. Alphonse checked his watch. They were on time. Once again the tram

passed them by and they entered the Odeon Cafe. The cafe was busy. The style was art nouveau. The tables were covered with crisp linen.

“Don’t worry.” said Alphonse.

“He was just way ahead of his time.” suggested Riglet.

There was a message from Marvin in her MacBook.

“Dear Sarayu,

I smuggled myself on board the boat with Trylyan. My memory and processing capacity have been downloaded to Riglet’s quantum memory chip.

Good luck,

Marvin”

“When should we arrive in Zurich?” she asked Alphonse.

“Let’s just focus on Einstein and see.”

“As long as we don’t bump into Mussolini.”

“Meeting James Joyce might be fun.”
They decided to just focus on Einstein and Zurich, and to dress up in Edwardian costume.

After a short trip through the rabbit hole, they found themselves in 1900 Zurich. In front of them on the other side of the road was a cafe. After the tram had passed by they crossed over and went inside. The cafe was busy. The style was art nouveau. The tables were covered with crisp linen.

In a corner a group of students were talking about light and energy. There was an empty table next to them.

Alphonse and Sarayu sat at the table and ordered two coffees. A young man walked in and came over to their table.

“Ist dieser Platz frei, bitte?”

“Ja, der Platz ist frei.” said Alphonse.

Albert Einstein had just joined them.

He took out a pipe and started to fill it with tobacco.

Sarayu was wondering exactly where they were.

Alphonse pulled out a cigar and clipped the end off.

Einstein lit his pipe.

Alphonse lit his cigar.

“Guten Tag, Professor Einstein!”

One of the students had stood up and was about to leave.

Sarayu looked at the date on her newspaper. It was 1912.

Alphonse was ready to leave. They called the waiter and paid the bill. Printed on the head of the tab was Cafe Odeon.

When they were outside Sarayu turned to Alphonse.

“Weird. I thought it was 1900. The newspaper said 1912, a year after this cafe opened.”

“Well at least we sat next to the father of the photon.” said Alphonse.

“If you had asked him for a light, would it have changed history?”

“Maybe. I would have loved to have asked him why he thought God does not play dice. That would have changed history.”

“You are a poker player. What do you think?”

“Does God play dice? I thought he gave us that freedom.”

“If we cannot change anything, then we are just time tourists.”

“Or temporal anthropologists?”

Sarayu was tired. She could not face another time travel hop at that moment. Everything had happened so fast. Working for Trylyan had been her main reason for living ever since they had met in Gotham City. Now she was gone, perhaps for ever.

“Will we ever see her again?”

“If we do she will be different. The time sickness changes people. Afterwards they are never the same.”

Alphonse was making some green tea. Sarayu was right. They needed to pause for breath.

For days they had been leaping through time almost at random.

“Maybe we should check out what’s happening now?”

Robert had disappeared. Trylyan was back in ancient Egypt, in the temple of Isis. The two of them were left on the barge in Amsterdam. It was dark and rainy.

Saint Nicholas had arrived on Saturday. Sarayu was staring out of the window at the water and the replica VOC ship “Amsterdam” nearby.

“The climate summit is this week in Copenhagen. The run up has been a bit like a spy movie. Hackers broke into the university climate research unit in East Anglia and stole thousands

of emails. Conspiracy theorists and those who deny climate change is happening are all calling the whole thing a scam to take people’s money from them. They are spreading the loony idea that thousands of scientists around the world are engaged in a conspiracy to fake the evidence. Now the Russian secret service is being accused of being behind the hackers.”

“Life imitates art again. Maybe we should go and see Einstein?”

“A couple of minutes ago you were knackered.”

“That was a couple of minutes ago.”

Alphonse poured Sarayu some tea.

“The only thing humans seem to be able to cooperate on is fighting wars.” she said. “There is loads of data that proves the climate is changing.”

“Any action taken will impact people’s lifestyles. They are not going to take that lying down. We are only at the beginning of the political and economic struggle

to persuade people of the need to change to a low carbon economy.”

Sarayu was not so sure that six billion people could reach an agreement that easily. The next few days would show whether there was a will to do what was necessary.

“Fancy something to eat?”

“What have we got?”

“Pumpkin. We could make a soup.”

“Sounds fine. Then a quiet evening with a good book.”

“No Einstein?”

“No Einstein. You need to rest. The World can wait.”

“Yes, my Fool. Pumpkin soup coming up, with plenty of garlic and paprika.”

What was it about Starbucks that was odd?

Riglet was whispering in her ear.

“Check out the date.”

Sarayu looked at her iPhone. 6 December, 2060!

“Isaac Newton’s year of the apocalypse.” whispered Riglet.

Trylyan was not feeling too good.

Alphonse was checking her pulse.

Marvin had uploaded the Zeitgeist button onto Sarayu’s iPhone.

“It’s the exit button.” whispered Riglet.

Trylyan was falling unconscious.

“Marvin says we need to get her out of here fast.” whispered Riglet. “Press the button.”

Sarayu turned to Alphonse.

“We need to get Trylyan some help fast.”

“You are right, ma Cherie.”

Sarayu pressed the Zeitgeist button. Riglet activated the appearance generator. The Audi dissolved into thin air, and they were on the Tibetan carpet, spinning slowly through

the rabbit hole. The White Rabbit was ahead of them, and pulled out a huge watch like a Salvador Dali painting. The watch had the letters ZEITGEIST in capitals on it.

In a few moments they were on the barge in Amsterdam. Trylyan was in a bad way.

“She is slipping away. It’s the time travel sickness. We must summon the boat of Isis and get her to the temple at Philae.”

Alphonse was invoking Isis. He pulled a small ancient Egyptian toy boat out of his pocket. The boat grew larger, and the two of them lifted Trylyan on board. Sarayu was wearing the golden crown of Isis on her head, with a serpent and throne on it. Alphonse had morphed into Anubis. The boat sailed away to the Nile and the ancient temple of the goddess. The High Priestess was waiting for them on their arrival at the temple’s entrance. Together they carried Trylyan into the Hall of Healing and laid her to rest on a bed surrounded by candles. The air was full of the smell of herbal incense.

“She is a priestess with the time sickness.” Alphonse explained to the High Priestess.

“She will safe here with us. She needs to rest, and be transformed.” said the priestess.

“We need to get back. The boat is about to leave.”

Sarayu put her arms around Trylyan, and started to cry.

“Take care old friend.” she whispered, and prayed that they would meet again. It was time to go. She placed a small ankh on Trylyan’s breast. Alphonse, still in the form of Anubis, took her back to the boat.

“She is in the safest haven on earth.” he said to her.

Sarayu fell silent. Never had separation been so painful. Never had she felt so alone. Above them the moon was shining on the waters of the Nile. Slowly the boat

sailed back through time and space.

Now there were just the two of them, the Fool and the World.

“We should pay a visit to the Odeon cafe in Zurich.” said Alphonse.

“We need to find out if God plays dice with the universe.”

“Where or when? Do you have any memory of being here before?”

“Yes.”

“We are in a time loop.”

Alphonse was trying to explain to Sarayu that she had returned to a point she been at before, except that she hadn’t. Robert had missed Trylyan by seconds, and they were in a separate time slot, a parallel universe, where events would unfold in a different way.

“Then am I also different?”

“Good question. Yes and no. You are the World. Your soul dances through time as a wave dances through water.”

Sarayu had always loved to dance, although she was mostly stuck in her books as a child. If she really were a dancer she would feel free and light. Yet all around them was chaos. She remembered sitting in an FBI truck with Riglet, trying to connect to Marvin so that he could decipher the detonation code of a nuclear bomb. Now they had returned to that moment in time and space, and it seemed as if they would have to do it all over again. This time around Riglet was in her teddy bear, and the Smart was back in Amsterdam. This time around Robert had disappeared, and Alphonse was here. Nothing made sense. Why did she tell the computer to take them to Gotham City?

“We’ll be meeting General Powys in a few minutes. I will be wearing my Auguste Saint-Germain hat. Now we are connected to Marvin we should be able to stay on top of the situation.”

Trylyan seemed almost in a state of shock. Her face was white as a sheet and she looked as if she was about to fall over. Alphonse gave her a piece of dark chocolate to boost her blood sugar. Passing through so many different dimensions in such a short space of time was beginning to take its toll. Outside it was getting dark and pouring with rain. She was trying hard to remember.

Memories of a party in Islington in London. In those days she had dark hair, and people thought she looked vaguely Arabic. A terrible marriage to some dude in the Galactic Rotary Club. A job as a reporter with Sub-Etha Radio. It all seemed like a dream, and separating fact from fiction seemed almost impossible, after all her entire life was fiction. She knew a lot about math and physics. That was something to hold on to. Think blonde! Here on a wet evening in Washington DC watching all the crazy pictures on her MacBook, of the events unfolding outside a few hundred yards away, seemed surreal.

“Are you up to meeting the General?” Sarayu asked her.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve dealt with Krikket robots. What’s a piddly nuclear device and a national emergency?”

“Ready to be the CEO of the best number crunchers on the planet?”

“Sure as hell. Ready to kick arse, Monsieur.”

With that the three of them walked out of Starbucks, got into the Audi and headed towards the FBI truck, General Powys and the comic strip that had morphed into an action movie.